Originally published in After the Pause.

Nutrition Facts for People I Know

 

'Authentic' Aunt Kelly

Calories: Whatever is burnt at both ends (but not anymore!)
Total Fat: Unknown, dieting in progress (what a rude question.)
Cholesterol: Heading down (doctor cut a lot of the good food.)
Dietary Fiber: Minimal, not even chewing on unlit cigs (you are awfully pushy.)
Sugars: The fake sort (you haven't given me a kiss since you got here.)
Sodium: Delicious (the taste of seawater, even though I don't swim anymore.)

Surgeon General's Promise: Definitely smoke-free, all the cigarettes are gone

Concentrated Frustration of Janice Fletcher

Serving Size: About 1 hour of monologue texting
Servings Per Container: About 13 hours (after date night or when rent is due)

Ingredients: red peppers, (don't call me) sugar, salt, garlic, obsession (with her girlfriend's lack of ambition), distilled fantasies

Organic Mother

Vitamin A: 0%
Vitamin B: 0%
Calcium: 2%, or what is present in homeopathic medicine, whichever is higher
Iron: 0% (throws hands up and leaves room with little pressure)

Ingredients: Organic chicken broth (filtered information, dried organic chicken, stock in online news), organic chicken flavor (expensive sea salt), organic dried plans to call your father, natural Southern hospitality, natural Southern anger (pastoral father, absent mother), organic onion powder, organic garlic powder, organic spices, organic celery seeds, organic time (as long as it is preserved through health)

Certified GMO and Vaccine Free

Post-Chemo Bobs

Percent Daily Values are based on running into Bobs at supermarkets, on the corner of your block, or on election day. Your daily values might be higher if you sent cards to feel like a good person, or even made a house-call to talk to his wife. She has always been a good neighbor, but your daily value might be changed if you go up to his room ask him how he is doing, or try to joke that he was already bald before. There is a percent chance that you will ask if he feels like a new person now that the worst has past, along with him saying he feels like antifreeze, and scratching his chest through his infamous Hawaiian shirt.

Chocolate Chip Self-Portraits

Ingredients: Cardboard (recycled board games, degree cases, moving boxes),  whale bacon (equal parts guilt and addiction), high fructose corn feelings, artificial family flavor, bird shit